Here is what one sister had to say!

The most captivating thing I would say to men is to love and honor your wives. I also would tell them not to take us women for granted. I think we get in the routine of family life and the daily issues that go along with this, and we forget about the how much we need to cherish and respect each other as human beings.

A Second Sister Had a Lot to Say:

Black men. I love you. I love the way you walk, your sexiness, your ability to rise above racism and stereotypes to succeed despite the odds against you.

I love the way that, when you are pursuing me, we are able to communicate and laugh with each other. I wish that the communication would last forever, but my experiences have been that once you have me, then you shut down and begin to throw up defenses. My desire is that you would realize that I am your best friend, your lover, your confidante, your help mate. I have the ability to be all of those things to you. It is not necessary that you get one person to fulfill each of these needs. I want to feel that same love from you.

Physical touching is important. I desire a man who likes to touch and is not ashamed to hold my hand in public.

I desire a man who is honest and who knows the importance of maintaining his integrity. This would make it possible for us to have a relationship where no matter what happens, the two of us would know that we have each other's back when the chips are down. No person or thing could come between this bond, and both of us would have peace of mind and never feel that we are all alone in this journey called "life".

I desire a man that is financially responsible so that when we grow old, we might be able to retire without having to stop going to the doctor, stop getting our prescriptions filled, and never getting to go on vacation.

Most importantly, my man MUST be spiritually intact. By this, I am not suggesting that he be perfect, and not make mistakes. But he must know God as his Lord and Savior. He must know who he is and whose he is.

I believe it was Maya Angelou who said that you can tell a man's character by how he reacts when he is on a plane flight and hiis luggage gets lost and does not make it to his destination. This sounds simple, but think about it.

God bless Black men everywhere!

The First Sister Said,

No! am taking care of myself if you get the drift.....

A Second Sister had this to say,

Men of all the human race, teach your son's to put God first in their lives, if you know the word of God. Teach them to respect themselves, so that they will respect others. Not only teach them but show them, leading by example is real and not a game to be played by anyone. Show them how to love, how to be a man that everyone will respect. If you show them hate, they will show hate, if you teach them love, they will love, If you teach them how to be a player, they will be a player. Give them the gift of life, a great example of who God made them to be. Be Blessed, and love to you all!

A Third Sister shared this,

Seek a relationship with God BEFORE seeking a relationship with a woman. Love God first. He will create a passion in your heart for a loving, respectful, lasting relationship with one woman; and a true heartfelt commitment to marriage and family.

The First Sister said...

"Get serious - get married - be faithful. Live, love, laugh with your wife.

Life is too, too short to live in a box.

Find the right partner, ask for guidance, pray, and never give up. You are never too old...or too anything...for someone to care for you. I was 55 years old when I married my dream man. All the rest were just thrills.

Remember, the body will not work as well nor look as good as you think it does now. Get the woman that cares forever....not based on looks but based on the heart. Repect her and never take her for granted. Keep the romance alive (not sex) but a loving relationship.

There is no age gap either---we are 15 years apart. Do not feed into society's woes when you find the right person and your heart knows it. Thanks for reading....remember, life is short---be smart....be caring...be faithful."

Another Sister said...

"PAY ATTENTION!!! If you can do this the rest is butter!"

The Next Sister said...

" I'm not always right and you're not always right. Just be honest and if we truly listen to each other and respect each other, we just might make it."

Finally Another Sister said...

"I am looking for a strong respectful brother who values life and family. A man that honors a woman, and can appreciate her contributions to this world. A man that can assure me that I am safe in his care and wants to explore life with me. A man that knows love and understands love by first loving himself, that way he has room to love me...hopefully unconditionally. What I ask from this man is nothing of which I am not willing to give in return, in fact, I'm ready. My question is, are you?"

~TO THYSELF BE TRUE

The First Sister said...

"Listen to what a woman says...not just the words, but also the emotions. Don't try to "fix it" unless asked. Many misunderstandings are created because men and women don't listen to each other.

Another Sister said...

"Treat me the way you would want a man to treat your mom or your sister or better yet, your daughter. Please stop treating me as your personal play thing. I am human and have feelings."

The Next Sister said...

"As soon as you think you have your women all figured out she will change on you. No women is perfect, but there is one women who will be perfect for you."

Finally a Sister in Pennsylvania said...

" First and foremost, focus on your spiritual connection with our Grand Creator. If you do all other aspects of your life will fall in place.

Stay strong!!!"

Here is What The First Sister had To Say!:

There are only a few basic qualities that a mature women looks for in a man.

1. Respect women - No hitting, no spitting (verbally abusive) no humiliation,
2. Be Faithful
3. Be Honest
4. Be a hard worker - for honest wages
5. Must be able to hold a decent conversation on numerous subjects
6. Must be independent of his parents or of past women.

_______________________________

Here is What A Second Sister had To Say!

Just be true to yourself.  Love, respect, honesty, and being humble.  Do unto others what you would do unto yourself.  Give what you would like to be given.

_______________________________

The survey included some basic fact finding questions like how long was your longest serious relationship, are you currently in a relationship, age range and where do you live? Then the following scenario was posed to which we invited women to respond:

• Your Chance to Speak To the Brothers!

Take a few moments and consider the most life-giving thing you would say to a captive audience of 100 men. You have the floor and their undivided attention and they will do exactly what you instruct them to do in their present and future relationships. Oh, and One of these men will be your future husband and you don't know which one it will be.

The responses were interesting ranging from angry to inspiring and some with no response at all. We wanted 1,000 responses, but got 23. We will publish in the coming weeks the entire text of their responses, edited only for grammer and spelling. The respondents will not be identified in any way.

Here is the summary of demographic data:

Here is what One Sister HAD TO SAY:

"I say that our black brothers need to strive to find themselves and the core of who they are and what type of relationship they want to have before they enter a serious relationship with a female.

A lot of brothers say they know what they want, but when they get it, they are not ready to put themselves into it completely or don't know how to handle it. The male ego can a lot of times push away a good woman, because it stifles a man's ability to give his true self to a woman.

Those of you that still want to put your friends or job first in your life or know that you like to have multiple women should save us the heartache and the headache of falling in love with you, and save yourself from the drama that will follow.

Last but not least, honesty goes a looong way! One of the main reasons that a lot of women are at their wit's end with men is that a lot of men say they want a serious relationship, but they come carrying the baggage of dishonesty so the purity of the relationship is tainted from the beginning. In addition the male ego causes so many men to just be straight up selfish.

Always keep in mind that your woman/family are priority, not an option. I know that it's not easy to deal with a woman to the key to making the woman that you love happy is to find out what makes her happy and do what it takes to keep her happy. If she loves you she should do the same for you."

How will our children make their living? Most parents have no clue; any more than our parents knew about us. So it is clear, you can't determine their success based upon a career choice. I have often said in my parenting workshops; “I will be a success as a parent when I can look at my Daughter and Son and say, I respect you”

I have discovered that one of my greatest challenges as a parent is to moderate my response to my children’s less than stellar behavior. I have tried, some time successfully, to speak with an even tone even when I am agitated. I do this so that I can keep the conversation between us going. I have found that when I elevate, they elevate right along with me; the only difference is that they eventually get quiet.

If we haven’t resolved the challenge together by the time they go silent, then I know I have made an error in parenting. My goal is to get them talking and to keep them talking to me about the issues they are facing. One-sided conversations don’t work, because they assume the form of order-giving. What we have always done with our children is to try and get them to think before they act. Think about the consequences of your words and your actions.

When I was a young man, my mother said to me and my twin brother, “I don’t want any girl’s mother coming to my back door, saying, ‘Your son got my daughter pregnant’”. She would add, “Because if she does, everything that goes to you now, will go to the baby!” She went on to draw graphic illustrations with her words, such as, “I’ll cut your water off!” and “I’ll break your plate!” all which further solidified my resolve not to do the things she warned against.

You may read these words and say to yourself, “She was harsh!” As a young man I never thought of these words as anything other than a wise warning from a loving mother who was living sacrificially everyday for her three children. I believed her because everything she said she would do for us, she did even with limited means; oftentimes by denying herself.

Some years later after I had married and we had two children, I was driving to my home with a young man I had mentored for nearly 6 years in the vehicle with me. During the drive, while reminiscing about his late grandmother, he said, “Man I wish I had listened to my grandmother when she said,______________.”

I thought for a moment about what he had just said as I drove and I looked over at him and said, “I did listen to my mother!’ At that moment I realized the incalculable value in listening and doing what those who love you most suggest for your benefit.

Today as a parent, mentor and consultant, I try to help others by communicating the truth that I learned from my mother, and later articulated as a result of that drive time conversation. Think before you act, because you actions have long-term repercussions and will set in motion a chain of events that you will not be able to stop or direct.

I don’t presume to instruct anyone who is not interested in the information I provide about how to parent or make good decisions. I only want to offer ideas about how to communicate with your children to achieve your goals with them as a parent or as a business owner with your employees or a pastor with church staff and congregation.

Three ideas for your consideration:

We must be creative about keeping people talking during points of conflict and discord.

We must carefully listen to those who love us most and at least consider the things they suggest for our benefit.

We must consider the consequences of our words and actions upon our future and the future of those around us.

We must do these three things, because at some point in your life you will say one of these two things, “I am Glad I Did” or “I wish I had”.

The old saying, “The Grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence…” is still just as true today as when it was first said. Wilson Pickett sang, “Don't let the green grass fool you, Don't let it change your mind” expresses the extremely deceptive nature of your perspective when you look across the fence from your current vantage point.

Consider your “vows”, the things you said before witnesses that you would begin and carry through to completion. While you may not have verbally stated your intent, be certain that your actions communicate your intent. If you began the thing, your actions say without question, “I plan to finish this thing”.

I often counsel young men as well as young women,

Don’t act like a boyfriend or a girlfriend, if you don’t intend to be the boyfriend or girlfriend.

Your actions are a statement of intent that carries even greater weight than your words. For instance, if I said to you, “I Love You!” and proceeded to slap you; which would carry the greater weight, my words or my actions?

Conversely, if I said, “I never want to see you again!” Yet the next day I call, invite you to lunch everyday of the week, send you gifts and the like, you would conclude that my words meant nothing because my actions are the real indicator of my true intent. You might even seek a restraining order against me.

The reality is that there is no difference between word and deed. When we behave as though our word and our deed are separate from one another we are being irrational at best and lying at worst. At the heart of integrity is the idea that there is no distinction between what you say and what you do.

Without integrity everything that relies upon it may crumble. The structural integrity of your chairs, your home, automobile and more must be maintained in order to safely occupy and or operate.

The integrity of commitments is especially important for our exclusive, intimate relationship; meaning marriage. We are prone to disdain the life we have for some fictional life we might have had given different decisions, circumstance and actions. Like the character Walter Mitty, from the James Thurber’s acclaimed short story, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, we concoct fantasies that speak our latent desire to be bold and daring. The real danger is that our fantasy is not our reality.

Fantasy is always the stuff of legend, it takes place in the best of all possible worlds; a place where the variables of life are ever tipping in your favor. Yet reality is not fantasy. Reality is often punctuated by moments of pleasure and joy, yet it is the presence of challenge, struggle and pain that give your pleasures their power.

The grass can be green on both sides of the fence, if you maintain the commitment you began when you chose to occupy this side of the fence. Remembering that reality is not fantasy, that your actions do not take place in the vacuum of your imagination;

• where no one is ever injured,
• loved ones are never shamed or embarrassed, or
• a life-time of valuable work is erased by a moment of indiscretion.

In truth, reality takes place in the actual and fragile world of human beings, where the tipping points are many and the crashes are often fatal to committed relationships.

You are the commitments you make, whether you keep them or break them. Fortunately or unfortunately, you get to decide.

Perhaps you can sense it. The struggle that most people experience in life around relationships. In a conversation with a close friend this week he concluded that there is virtually no one with moral integrity regarding infidelity in relationships. In short, "Everybody cheats!" While he came just short of that claim, he spoke very candidly about his lack of trust of virtually every intimate relationship.

According to the February 2007 MSNBC/iVillage Love, Lust & Loyalty survey, about 1 in 5 adults in monogamous relationships have cheated on their current partner. The survey which does not purport to scientifically conducted suggests that approximately 80% of people in monogamous relationships (married and common law) are in fact faithful to their partner.

Why does infidelity seem so widespread? If only roughly 20% are "unfaithful" and 80% remain faithful, then why the perception of rampant illicit relationships? Don't the numbers reflected in the iVillage survey fly in the face of the perceived reality?

One challenge may be in our perception of what actually constitutes cheating.

• Is romantically kissing another person cheating?
• Is using pornography without your partner's knowledge cheating?
• Is becoming emotionally involved with someone other than your spouse without a physical relationship, cheating?

Perhaps the issue is that the 80% who profess faithfulness personally know the 20% who have admittedly strayed. The reality is no one is untouched by those relationships that disintergrated via infidelity. We all know them and we even care for both parties as friends.

The Love, Lust & Loyalty survey logged 70,288 respondents about 54% men with an average age of 43 and 46% women average age 38

If the survey remains true today, then why are perceived infidelty rates so high? Researchers expected the numbers to return at almost double the rates at which the actually returned.

Perhaps it is the media's infatuation with cheating husbands and wicked wives profiled in virtually every primetime television show. Given the accuracy of the survey, we might conclude that the perception of widespread infidelity is more fiction than reality. The magnification of art into something that is larger than real life especially in human imagination.

Another possible conclusion is that the fidelity rates may have remained relatively constant over the passing decades, but the promiscuity rates have continued to explode upward.

In a world of "Girls Gone Wild" videos, Desparate Housewives, NipTucks and the like it is not much of a stretch to conclude that every one is having unrestricted, wild, uninhibited sexual encounters. The political faux pas of Eliot Spitzer, the subsequent confessions of now Governor David Patterson, the alleged Illicit trist of The Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and more only serve to reinforce the perceptions that infidelity is rampant.

The question remains, is there a true moral dilemma with infidelity or is the dilemma our infatuation with the idea of promiscuity of which infidelity is merely a subset.

Experience in ministry, business and mentoring relationships have taught me many useful things that apply to virtually every living human being.  One of the most important pieces of knowledge I have gained is:

Commonality leads to Communication which creates the basis of community

The things that you hold in common with other people lays the foundation for successful conversation and or communication.  Successful communication is the cornerstone of healthy community. 

In fact, consider the time(s) you began to move away from a person with whom you had a relationship of any sort, from the most intimate to the most platonic.  One of the first things that occured was you began to talk less about the things that you either don't hold in common or the things that you no longer have in common. 

How many times have you heard or said something like this,

I need more than just ______________ in my relationship, I need someone to communicate with.

We often use the lack of commonality as the justification for ending a relationship.  

Another challenge I have observed in relationships is that people don't take the time to consider their words and their intent before they speak.  Have you ever had to follow up an earlier statement by saying, "That's not what I mean!" or "What I really meant was..."    It is absolutely essential that we take responsibility for weighing our words before we speak them into life.

Consider one of Osmo Wiio's Laws which says,

If a message can be understood in different ways, it will be understood in just that way which does the most harm.

Given the reality that we do not live in a moral vacuum; most people will interpret your words in ways you didn't intend and likely hadn't considered.  People "hear" what you say based upon their personal context which includes their psychological, physical, emotional, environmental and cultural contexts. 

Remember this Spotts' Maxim:

Every true feeling does not need to be expressed!

Why you may ask?  Simply because feelings are like facts they change with time and new discoveries.   Just remember that true feelings can be expressed through silence as well, because even silence speaks volumes.